Rebecca and I met at Morocco Bound at a Storytime London fundraiser event for the mental health charity MIND. So, it seemed right to meet back there to discuss the project and the portrait shoot. There is something special about these small spaces filled with books that helps you open up and tell stories. We talked about how emotions are like currency and how sometimes you can feel the weight of it in your pockets like a thousand pennies and it’s good to share it with someone. We settled on the Hay’s Galleria for the portraits as it is somewhere Rebecca likes to go to think. Her portraits speak to the fact that you can find peace and stillness in the busiest of places. And, by sharing her story she’s loosening up some space for change.
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Rebecca
Discovering and delving into the world of poetry has had such a transformational impact on my life. Through mental and physical health challenges, alongside my faith and loved ones, poetry is the one thing that has kept me grounded when my whole being had the propensity to spiral. It has helped me to make sense of my thoughts and feelings when the lines that defined them were imperceptible. It has helped me to feel more connected to God. It has connected me with a community of beautiful souls that embrace each person no matter where they are in their journey of life. A community where it is safe to be vulnerable, that champions values such as authenticity, empathy, compassion and uplifting others.
I have not always considered myself to be creative, although looking back, I have always found solace in writing. During my teenage years, this took the form of journalling. All the feelings I felt unable to share with those around me, I would entrust to a page – whether in a notebook or on the notes app of my phone. However, as I approached my twenties, this practice subsided.
In my second year of university, everything changed. I experienced a trauma that led to the rapid decline of my mental health, culminating in a string of frequent panic attacks over the months that followed. Moreover, the crippling stress and anxiety also triggered the worsening of a pre-existing health condition that had been largely dormant since childhood – epilepsy.
Fear became a constant in my life. The possibility of having another seizure lingered like a cloud over my head as my condition had de-stabilised. I struggled to handle the weight of it all. I was mentally and physically exhausted. I was perpetually numb. Over time I became extremely apathetic, making choices that were not conducive to maintaining a healthy body and mind. Hope felt like a faraway place, and clarity for finding a way forward seemed even further away.
I leaned into to faith in search of meaning, and to make sense of my mind I began to journal again. Some things felt too painful to write down, so I started using metaphors to describe them. Then my entries became what I called “rhythmic prose”. Then eventually, I realised it was poetry.
As I started to write more often, I was introduced to this hidden world that existed inside my own head. I learnt so much about myself, and I am still learning. There is a universe behind our eyes, truly, and sometimes it feels like it might even be as expansive as the universe that we live in! Importantly, it helped me access the clarity I had sought and find peace amidst the frenzy of my thoughts!
Write Speak Recover (even with the order of the sequence of the words) truly reflects the journey that I have personally been on with my mental and physical health and the profound impact that writing has played in it. Through writing and sharing my poetry, and being part of the wonderful poetry community, I feel seen in ways I cannot explain. I am a firm believer that sharing stories holds such power as it can help people feel seen, heard, and less alone in what they might be going through. Through poetry, I experienced exactly this. By being part of this project, I hope my story can help someone else feel less alone in their journey of life, too.
Together
I bled tears of sorrow.
Felt the pit
in my stomach grow and grow –
she felt it too.
Until she didn’t.
Until she couldn’t.
Numb from the pain,
from the thoughts that spread the plague
that birthed the shadow
of her former self –
what’s lost is only missed when it’s no longer in sight,
health is a treasure that’s best seen in times of plight…
We went through it together.
I could have made better choices.
Yet, in spite of my recklessness
and my mistakes
she was there for me, holding
forgiveness.
In the palms of her hands
it grew, it glowed,
and I saw that grounded in grace is
the silhouette of hope
dancing among the shadows.
And my body keeps in time.
Her feet follow the rhythm
as she partners with time,
to heal, to feel, to know when
resting is required, some days are
testing yet, still, through our plight
she basks in the hope of light.
She turns my feet towards the light.
On the writing process
Writing for me is an outlet. In a world where everything is so fast-paced, writing provides a space that forces me to slow down, reflect, and digest. My writing process does not follow a set path or structure, much of the time ideas just come to me. Interestingly, this often happens when I am doing the most mundane tasks or activities. Commuting, washing the dishes, and especially when I am lying in bed and I am just about to fall asleep or wake up! I suppose during the times when my thoughts are quiet, the voice of my creativity speaks. Or maybe it is always speaking, but it is only in those moments that I am acutely aware of it!
Usually, I will capture these thoughts either by typing it on the notes app of my phone immediately when they arrive (my memory is not the best!) or I will make a voice note and revisit it later. I believe that poems will be what they are meant to be, and I like to think of the ideas as pieces of a puzzle. I rarely receive a whole poem all at once. I may only receive a few lines of verse, or just a metaphor, and then from that I will sit down and continue writing the poem on a physical page. For the most part, all my poems will involve me physically writing at some point – I feel that I am better able to channel my thoughts with clarity this way!
The act of writing for me is akin to exploration. The idea evolves step by step until the full poem is complete. Each new line gives rise to the thought that becomes the next. I like to include a storytelling aspect in my poems, and I edit as I go along until the progression of the story feels like truth to me. That each line, in some way, feels connected. When my mind is muddled, writing helps me tremendously, too, because it almost feels like step by step the puzzle comes together until the bigger picture begins to emerge. I find writing to be a safe space to explore, be vulnerable, and for me it is incredibly cathartic, like an oasis in the busyness of life.
Favourite poets, poetry nights, books or other resources:
I do not have a favourite poet, however the poet that instigated my journey into writing poetry myself is Warsan Shire. I also love Sarah Kay, Maya Angelou, Sophia Thakur, and Emily Dickinson, to name a few!
Regarding poetry nights, I have been to many in London and each of them has its own character that makes it special. There are too many to list, however Morocco Bound Poetry Night holds a special place in my heart as it is the first one that I ever went to and performed at!
Anything else you’d like to add in closing:
If I could summarise what poetry has helped me to discover within myself in one word, it would be 'hope'. To whoever is reading this, here is a little message for you, reminiscent of what poetry showed me:
My hope is that you recognise
That the treasure you hold inside
Is real
It beats loudly in your chest
Your authentic self is the key to reveal it
So feel it
Don’t reel it in
Believe that you are worth it
You were wonderfully made
In God’s image
Step into your brilliance
Sending love and light to you always <3
Rebecca xx
Write Speak Recover, in collaboration with TheNeverPress is an open, free collection of original portraits of poets using their art to find strength in their recovery journey from any form of dis-ease.
We invite you to follow Write Speak Recover on Instagram and to reach out to Tim Foley at WSR or us directly at the zine to learn more, or put yourself forward to be featured in this initiative.
Hit the logo for more Write Speak Recover content 👇
If you need support, here are some resources:
Samaritans
Alcohol Change
Recovery Dharma
Alcoholics Anonymous
This article was brought to you by Tim Foley and Graham Thomas.
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