This project and the poetry scene are rooted in shared experiences. Those moments that make you sit up and say “I have written about this too!” As if you are hearing your experience but in a different context. Nic is one of those poets for me. The poem she selected here is one I have heard her perform at the lovely Lost Souls and it speaks of the power of picking up a pen to channel feelings into something useful. Something that can help you heal. That’s what Write Speak Recover is all about. We also connected on our love of hip hop (she introduced me to Albanian rap!) and you can see that narrative influence and storytelling snap in her work and delivery. Raw, honest, and self exploratory work with meaning and a message. Over to you Nic...
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Nic
Growing up, I always loved reading and would get lost in books as they were a constant and a way of escaping my environment. My childhood wasn’t always the happiest as I grew up with abuse and often witnessed domestic violence and the effects of alcoholism. When I was very young, I wouldn’t talk to people vocally except for particular family members, select friends and my teachers in primary school. While never diagnosed, it was suspected I might have had selective mutism. In retrospect, this could’ve been the case or I may have had an anxiety disorder as I was often withdrawn and, when I would articulate vocally, I would sometimes stutter my words. I’ll never know for sure, what I do know is I spent a lot of time in my head making up stories using toys and drawing different characters, often narrating these in my mind.
I loved creative writing in school and remember instances of writing poems and I found it fun making words rhyme. At around age 12 or 13, I began listening to hip-hop and that’s when music also became an integral part of my life. I loved the storytelling aspect and paid close attention to flows and rhyme schemes. Like most teenagers, I had a rebellious phase in school but I once again found my passion for English and decided I wanted to get my GCSEs and A-levels, and go get a degree in English to one day become a teacher.
University was an amazing experience both socially and academically and I had some of the best times of my life, moving out of home for the first time felt fantastic. However, it was also a time I began developing an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, though it was hard to recognise because everybody was doing it. It took me a while to realise I was sometimes drinking for the wrong reasons, trying to ease some of my childhood trauma that I carried around like invisible baggage. As university was coming to an end, I was struggling mentally and, when I was 21, the doctor put me on medication to support with anxiety and depression.
My 20s were often difficult to navigate with lots of ups and downs and I wasn’t writing enough. Eventually, I began writing more poems again and now, at 33, I am in the happiest and healthiest space I’ve ever been in. I no longer drink my feelings and can enjoy it more in moderation, knowing pace is key and being aware of your limit is important. Also, I’ve learnt that I can break generational cycles. One important thing I have to remember is that anxiety and depression do not disappear but it’s important to find healthy tools to manage them and, for me, one of those tools is writing.
Moonlight
Late night and I’m swallowed by moonlight fighting the good fight
I’m a product of addiction so I write lines instead of doing them
too anxious to take pills for anxiety in case I rely on them, the irony
won’t take sleeping pills to appease my demons in case I don’t wake up one morning because that need for rest keeps calling
and I was angry at the world and then angry at myself so
I picked up a ballpoint pen and turned to a page and now black ink leaks in place of red rage like a melted deck of cards
I was holding ace, could be eleven or one I needed to find my place
and now I’d rather pick up a mic and turn to the stage and try and tackle what’s hard without taking anything too hard
no class A I just stay A class like when I used to make As in class
thinking how I could dive in and drown in wine and drink my time like that’s fine and then squeeze myself out through the top of a beer can
unfazed just slightly dazed and a little bit aged
you can be self-aware and lack self-control
ask my money ain’t it funny how quickly I can spend a rack and make it back within the same two weeks
am I too weak?
well I admit my sins and right my wrongs so I must be strong I think
I’m still swallowed by moonlight fighting the good fight
just waiting for that morning light to leave behind that late night.
On the writing process
Writing is therapeutic and offers a sense of catharsis. Poetry helps me to make sense of my feelings and the world around me as well as easing my anxiety when my brain feels like it’s moving too fast or when my mind is stuck overthinking something. I am often inspired by music (especially hip-hop) and might hear a lyric I really relate to and a concept for a poem will then follow. However, I find it challenging to write to music with lyrics so will switch to instrumentals, especially video game soundtracks and jazz, I love the saxophone and piano and listening to these often stirs my creativity.
Everything is so fast paced, especially moving around London, sometimes I like to take time to pause and observe what is happening around me and I might begin writing in my head and then come back to it later. I always carry a notepad around but often type poems in my notes app. Sometimes I might write a line based on something I’ve seen, even if it’s something mundane on the daily commute. There is a long road I walk down that leads up to my place of work, ideas often formulate when I’m on this road.
Connection with my own creativity as well as connection with other creatives is important. Over time, I’ve learnt that it’s best to not put pressure on myself to write because it needs to feel authentic. Sometimes I find myself saying “this is just a draft” but it ends up being the final version because it’ll be impossible to finish a piece if I’m always seeking perfection. I’ve had to, and still do, train myself to not overthink too much. Additionally, I’m always inspired by other creatives around me and love soaking up everybody’s work at open mics around London.
Favourite poets, poetry nights, books or other resources:
There are so many poets (too many to name) I’ve met since attending open mics that I absolutely love!
Some great nights I go to include Lost Souls in Balham, If Poets Ruled the World in Fulham and The Metronome in Morden. Also, S-Bars runs a fantastic LGBTQIA+ event at Morocco Bound bookshops
Other favourite poets and artists that inspire me include Chen Chen, Kae Tempest, Mac Miller and J. Cole. I also love writers of the Beat Generation like Jack Kerouac.
“It has been a beautiful fight. Still is” – Charles Bukowski
Write Speak Recover, in collaboration with TheNeverPress is an open, free collection of original portraits of poets using their art to find strength in their recovery journey from any form of dis-ease.
We invite you to follow Write Speak Recover on Instagram and to reach out to Tim Foley at WSR or us directly at the zine to learn more, or put yourself forward to be featured in this initiative.
Hit the logo for more Write Speak Recover content 👇
If you need support, here are some resources:
Samaritans
Alcohol Change
Recovery Dharma
Alcoholics Anonymous
This article was brought to you by Tim Foley and edited by Gabby Spearing